The Bullshit That People Say

"I don't mean to sound racist or anything, but..."

Have you ever noticed how this is almost always followed by something that is not only blatantly racist, but also face-meltingly stupid? The most absurd end of this sentence I've ever heard of was "I'm just afraid that if Obama wins, he'll do to us what we did to them." What the flying fuck!? How red can one person's neck get? Also, how does somebody this goddamn fucking moronic manage to make it to age four without accidentally killing him/herself while playing in the blender?


Pretending to be nice...

Yeah... This shit is a real problem in Texas, and probably most places in America that value the myth of "Southern Hospitality." The worst part of it is that the greatest offenders do it subconsciously, so there's the knowledge of the real (and extremely insulting) meaning, but very little (if any) tone of sarcasm or condescension in the voice. My mother has a rather witty term for it: "Sugar Honey Iced Tea." The following are some choice examples and their real meanings:

• "I'll pray for you" in a context other than condolence = "I fucking hate you, and I thoroughly believe that you and anyone else who doesn't look, think, feel, and believe just like me will burn in Eternal Hellfire and Damnation."
• "Ain't that just precious" and such = "I want to projectile vomit all over that."
• "I love you" to an extended family member or casual acquaintance = "I'll exploit your existence and our minor to trivial genetic, marital, or social connection when it's convenient for me, especially if you have a pickup truck, but for all other purposes, I consider you to be of about the same consequence to the world as a little throw pillow with a picture of a daisy on it, and if you call me out on this shit, I will take great offense."

Why can't we all just come out and say it when we've got a beef with somebody? Why do we have to beat about the fucking bush? You're stupid; I'm rude. That's all there is to it.


"You can't say/do that on TV/radio/whatever-the-fuck!"

I never really understood this shit. As far as I can tell, these decency regulations are totally arbitrary. Back in the '70s, a newscaster shot herself in the fucking head on live TV (Wikipedia article about her can be found here,) but it wasn't until the Janet Jackson nip slip that any live broadcasts went on a five-second delay. So is a graphically violent suicide more socially acceptable than mild to moderate sexualization of normal human anatomy?

Maybe, but if it were as simple as that, how the hell do we explain how it's decent to have crime dramas on during the fucking dinner hour depicting and analyzing every gory detail of a grizzly rape and homicide, but yesterday my buddy bought a CD from Best Buy that, despite the absence of any indication on the shrinkwrap, had the "-tch" edited out of every occurrence of the word "bitch" in the vocals? (To make it even crazier, the whole word was written out in the lyrics on the liner notes.)

What the fuck shit piss cunt cocksucker motherfucker tits is up with all of this? Is it political correctness gone wrong? Maybe. Is it the hypocrisy of parents who want to raise good children without putting any effort into actual parenting? Much more likely. Whatever it is, it's gotta stop before we all go insane trying to figure it out. Issuing fines for inappropriate language, whatever the fuck "inappropriate" means (and yes, the FCC does,) is no different from the Sudanese government flogging women for wearing pants.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to wax patriotic.

The First Amendment to the Constitution of the United States of America guarantees freedom of religion, speech, press, peaceable assembly, and petition. Basically, it guarantees the freedom to express the human experience. Now, there are certain reasonable restrictions on this. You can't pull a fire alarm unless there's really a fucking fire. But who got hurt when George Carlin performed his "Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television" monologue at Summerfest in '72? Nobody, really, but he was arrested anyway. And how many people are psychologically wounded by Lady Gaga saying "I'm a free bitch, baby," or by Lubna Hussein wearing pants? A lot less than the number of people who needed counseling after seeing Christine Chubbuck blow her brains out on the TV. And a whole fucking shitload less than the number of people who senselessly wash their children's mouths out with soap for some arbitrary definition of swearing right before dinner and CSI.

It just doesn't make any fucking sense.


Yeah, that kinda got away from me there. Wasn't expecting to get so moralistic toward the end.

Questions? Comments? Complaints? Why do I go so long between updates? Blow it out your ass!