The Ten Stupidest Songs I've Ever Heard

Before I begin here, I'd just like to point out that being on this list doesn't necessarily make a song bad. Some of the following songs I absolutely love, some I can't fucking stand. So, let's begin!

#10: Type O Negative - Kill All the White People
This song is just bloody hilarious. It's intentionally stupid because of the irony that it's by a bunch of white guys. "Kill all the white people!" we can here Pete Steele shouting, "Then we'll be free!" This, of course, will never work.

#9: Lynyrd Skynyrd - Sweet Home Alabama
Honestly, I would be perfectly happy if I never had to hear this song again, but it unfortunately resides in the regular playlists of classic rock stations across the country, so it's something I'll just have to tough out. The music is uninteresting at best, and the lyrics are a moronic redneck pride rant based out of a severely misguided rebuttal to Neil Young's "Southern Man." Next, please.

#8: The Searchers - Love Potion Number Nine
What the blue hell is the significance of the cop on 34th and Vine breaking the bottle? And come to think of it, wouldn't "Slut Potion Number Nine" be a more appropriate name for the titular concoction?

#7: DJ Alligator Project - Blow My Whistle (Bitch)
"Blow yo' whistle like a laser-guided missile!" Need I say more?

#6: The Beastie Boys - Time to Get Ill
How could I possibly compile a list of stupid songs without mentioning the Beasties? These guys could very easily be said to have a very stupid repertoire, but I think "Time to Get Ill" really takes the cake as a shining example of Beastie stupidity, not to mention the shamelessness with which they sample. By the way, last time I got ill, it wasn't a very pleasant experience. Quit bastardizing my language, hip-hop. Sick is not a good thing to be.

#5: Mindless Self-Indulgence - Bitches
MSI is another group that just can't escape being on this list. Unlike the Beastie Boys, though, I can't fault MSI for their stupidity. "Bitches" is a brilliant work of dada poetry, designed purely to make you laugh and say "what the fuck?" So, like the song says, "POW!!! Motherfucker."

#4: Right Said Fred - I'm Too Sexy
Too sexy? I dunno. Definitely too self-absorbed.

#3: Bobby "Boris" Pickett and the Crypt-Kickers - The Monster Mash
Elvis Presley described this song as "the stupidest thing I've ever heard." It is now regarded as a classic of '50s hokeyness, but it's still just as stupid today as it was when the King laughed it off.

#2: Rick Dees and His Cast of Idiots - Disco Duck
I don't know whether to laugh or puke. This song was meant to be satirical, but the sheer accuracy with which it portrays the stupidity of the '70s disco scene is stupefying. Disco Duck? More like Stupid Fuck! Aww, shit, that's right, I went there. I'm just too edgy for TV. That, and the Donald Duck-esque spoken voiceovers give my inner child nightmares.


#1: King Missile - Detachable Penis
I challenge you to find or write a stupider song than this. Not because I want to be proven right in my assumption that it is the stupidest song ever written, but because I really want to know if it's possible to write a stupider song. Seriously, I want to know how you top something that opens with the lines "I woke up this morning with a bad hangover, and my penis was missing again. This happens all the time. It's detachable." Sure, he goes on to explain the story of his wayward member very logically, but that doesn't change the fact that a detachable penis is the most amazingly stupid premise for a comical song. But hell, it's funny, so I will say that "Detachable Penis" has the honor of being the stupidest song I've ever heard.